When The Sand Runs Out

Its been a long time and I’ve been everything but introspective, and I guess its time to address some things that people find hard to justify even though it seems only natural for me. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this at all, because having to justify myself for my actions seems to only contradict my belief that if it feels right, I shouldn’t be hitting the walls with the frustration that some people Just Don’t Get It. But nevertheless, I suppose its time that I put this out and hope for the best that it would serve well for mutual understanding.

Its hard for me to comprehend why I should be put down for being happy, for being contented, just because a few months ago, I was far from it. Granted, I don’t have the basic reason to be happy because after all, the situation with G isn’t what I should content myself with because I deserve better than that, but I just find it useless to fight for something better when I’m satisfied with what it is now. Basically, an argument for argument’s sake. Is it just so hard to accept that I am someone who is easily satisfied? I could very well be walking into a bottomless pit but right now, its just not something I want to worry about because well, the scenery is to damn nice for me to worry about anything.

Just because I seem to be offering myself completely doesn’t mean I haven’t built my walls. I know its hard to trust that I have because I’ve been fallen one too many times, but its precisely because of that that I’ve built my walls high and thick this time round, and just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. You say you’re watching out for me, and I appreciate you for that with all my of heart, but maybe that isn’t what I need. Maybe what I need is that support that everyone seems to have forgotten to give, maybe what I need is you not telling me that he isn’t worth it, but that some things just need the patience that you’re sure I have in me.

Saying that you hoped what I had for him was just a phase pissed me off because frankly, that’s what I’ve been hearing from some of the closest people to me, and to hear it from you – someone who I held my faith in to support me in this because you’re the one who understand me most – it was simply the last straw. I don’t know what I expect the result to be when this is all over, but what I know I want from you and everyone else out there is not to say “I told you so” if it screws up. ‘I told you so’ doesn’t serve to make anyone feel better. In fact, it doesn’t serve any purpose other than to boost an ego, something which I find uncalled for especially when consoling someone else.

I bear no grudges for you or anyone else, because you are all my friends who I love and cherish most, and I hope you will take this in and accept my actions toward this, even if it isn’t what you agree with.

Smoke Your Cigarettes, Make Your Love

It’s not about geography, or happenstance
You need to fly, and take a chance
You don’t need to soar to emptiness
Float on high and forever dance alone

You’re scared, scared, scared
’cause i feel like home.

Why I Am Not Asleep

Results are out and I know its hardly any cause for celebration, but THANK GOD I’m still in school and not getting my ass kicked out. GPA wasn’t half as bad as I expected it to be, but truth to be told, after I got past the “oh yeaaah I’m not expelled!” stage, it kind of reeled me back to the reality that yes, I am stuck in a rut. For one, my total number of CUs don’t even come close to what the others in my course are boasting about, and I am a hair’s breadth from becoming worst in the level. Actually, I think I am probably the last in my cohort, no prizes for that. But fuck, I am still in school. I never thought I’d be happy to say that. No more resting on my laurels now, its time to unleash my hidden hardworking-ness. Kinda late, but shut up.

And now for updates on how mundane my life has become. My house is becoming a bakery, for I have discovered the wonders of a convection oven and chocolate. Never underestimate what chocolate can do for a 19 year-old like me who isn’t drawing income at the mo, because I can tell you, all that stands between me and an extra few bucks from the parentals for the weekend is a fudge-filled brownie. My brownies aren’t perfect, but to my parents who have been urging me to put an apron on for years, it isn’t too bad. I still can’t cook with a stove, but anything that doesn’t involve fire, I’m a-ok with! Bake parties anyone?

Other than filling tupperwares with cookies and brownies, I spend the rest of my days sleeping, watching Las Vegas and eating the damned cookies and brownies I baked. Because if I didn’t, my house would soon become one of those little candy houses that you see in theme parks,complete with the gingerbread man at the porch waving (which would be my dad, of course). In fact, I think I put on some weight. But funny thing is, all of it seemed to just accumulate on my face. Why has nature decided that the best place for fats to accumulate on me is my face and not my boobs?! I swear, if I took all the fats from my face and surgically enhanced my breasts with it, I would be…a B by now. DAMMIT. Screw you, Mother Nature! *flips the bird at the trees* Say goodbye to Earth Hour! (I’m just kidding, play your part and turn off your damned lights, dude.)

And so I end this entry with a reminder to all my friends out there having their internships: GERMAINE IS STILL ALIVE, and she is oh-so-very sympathetic to your OTs, 1-hour lunchtimes and limited smoke breaks. Muchos love everybody, see you on Saturday for pondok reunion. Be there or be square!