When The Sand Runs Out

Its been a long time and I’ve been everything but introspective, and I guess its time to address some things that people find hard to justify even though it seems only natural for me. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this at all, because having to justify myself for my actions seems to only contradict my belief that if it feels right, I shouldn’t be hitting the walls with the frustration that some people Just Don’t Get It. But nevertheless, I suppose its time that I put this out and hope for the best that it would serve well for mutual understanding.

Its hard for me to comprehend why I should be put down for being happy, for being contented, just because a few months ago, I was far from it. Granted, I don’t have the basic reason to be happy because after all, the situation with G isn’t what I should content myself with because I deserve better than that, but I just find it useless to fight for something better when I’m satisfied with what it is now. Basically, an argument for argument’s sake. Is it just so hard to accept that I am someone who is easily satisfied? I could very well be walking into a bottomless pit but right now, its just not something I want to worry about because well, the scenery is to damn nice for me to worry about anything.

Just because I seem to be offering myself completely doesn’t mean I haven’t built my walls. I know its hard to trust that I have because I’ve been fallen one too many times, but its precisely because of that that I’ve built my walls high and thick this time round, and just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. You say you’re watching out for me, and I appreciate you for that with all my of heart, but maybe that isn’t what I need. Maybe what I need is that support that everyone seems to have forgotten to give, maybe what I need is you not telling me that he isn’t worth it, but that some things just need the patience that you’re sure I have in me.

Saying that you hoped what I had for him was just a phase pissed me off because frankly, that’s what I’ve been hearing from some of the closest people to me, and to hear it from you – someone who I held my faith in to support me in this because you’re the one who understand me most – it was simply the last straw. I don’t know what I expect the result to be when this is all over, but what I know I want from you and everyone else out there is not to say “I told you so” if it screws up. ‘I told you so’ doesn’t serve to make anyone feel better. In fact, it doesn’t serve any purpose other than to boost an ego, something which I find uncalled for especially when consoling someone else.

I bear no grudges for you or anyone else, because you are all my friends who I love and cherish most, and I hope you will take this in and accept my actions toward this, even if it isn’t what you agree with.